Spiky Reviews

I wanted to smoke again. I had smoked one some fifteen minutes back. I heard Sanjog telling me “Get a hold of yourself man.” Déjà vu, I have heard someone say that before. A face crawls out of the thick layers of muck covering my brain; it’s the face of Almasy from “The English Patient”. He asked his friend once what the hollow below a woman’s throat is called. His friend answered, “Get a hold of yourself man”. I can see the pain in Almasy’s eyes. I can see the pity in his friend’s eyes. It’s crystal clear to me. I know how it feels.

I lost a girl, after eight months of friendship and alcheringa, pushing me to the limits and encouraging me to fall deeper and deeper, today she thinks she loves another guy more than me. The point here is not who or what is right or wrong. The point here is what I feel. There’s a crab holding at my throat, constricting it. And there’s a huge blob of puke stuck just below it, trying to come out. My heart is throwing up. I can feel the pressure of the puke and the intolerable weight of my heart. My eyes are still dry, no signs of tears but there’s something below the skin of my face that’s telling me of a tide building up. I am feeling the pain.

Almasy had to carry the dying body of his love, Katherine through a desert of desperation and helplessness. There was nothing he could do to get her any medical help sooner. Katherine chose this moment to let him know the depths of her love, I can see him cry, I can see the tears rolling from his eyes, his face is twisted now, and if he could, he would have tore the sky apart and asked that one above—WHY? I can see why man invented God.

I wonder whose pain is greater, Almasy’s or mine. His pain is borne from the knowledge of losing someone and not being able to do anything about that; my pain is borne from the knowledge that … I wasn’t loved at all; all the love I received was fake.

Katherine was calm, she had stated the truth. She was smiling. Dying people should always smile—it makes things easier for the living ones. But didn’t she condemn Almasy to a lifetime of pain and living death?

Almasy at one point in the movie believed what I believe now, that the love he received was fake. Would it have been better if he lived the rest of his life under that impression rather than knowing that she loved him and he could do nothing to save her? Which pain is greater, his or mine?

I’m not sure, but a voice within me says—no pain is greater or smaller, pain is just…pain.